Big and Tall.

Okay, first of all, I would like to say, I know plus-size shopping has improved tremendously over the last few years.

fully aware.


HOWEVER, it irks me when mainstream fashion for us Fats, means butterfly sleeved, high collar, wide flared, brightly-colored and horizontal striped potato sacks. NOT TO MENTION 1-inch boots, with rounded toes and cheesy buckles.

Look, just because I'm a little (let's pretend here) overweight, does NOT mean I am happy with any piece of fabric that covers my protruding gut.
No, I'm not happy about my size, but does that really mean I have to sacrifice any sort of personal style I may have scavenged for in my teens and early adulthood?

And unless I want to start practicing BBW inspired sadomasochistic bondage (www.torrid.com) or dress like a roundish tween (www.alloy.com) I have to settle for the mom-jean, worrisome-ly Spinster-like ensembles from Old Navy. AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON 'WOMAN WITHIN'.

Seriously, though. I feel like I should start a clothing line- and not only for the Chubs of my age, but for older, and younger alike.

This is where I would start:

-Accentuate sexy curves, while minimizing focal points on bulge. (i.e. Low necklines, tighter to-the-elbow sleeves, slender at the waist, but loose at the stomach and hips.)

-Control Top jeans that aren't so wide they hide your feet (look, I know control top is not sexy, but let's be real. They're bomb.)

-Skinny, but not pencil jeans. (THEY FIT INTO BOOTS BETTER. BOOTS HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE AS IT IS WITH MY LARGE CALVES WITHOUT HAVING TO EXTEND TO FIT THE BULK OF MY JEANS).

-Some suitable heels (i.e. 2-3 inch but with excellent traction and a thicker heel- throwing in some stylish boots with maybe a wider calf size, would be helpful.)

-Stylish shrugs, sweaters and outerwear (because I am not going anywhere in just a tanktop- no matter how cute it is.)


Look, I know these things exist out there already. I know it, because I have found them.
And because I have already done the shopping, here are some tips.

Torrid is expensive. But, has a healthy collection of cute boots- if you're into that. However, they also have a healthy collection of potential stripper clothing, so... beware.

Alloy is aimed at young people. However, they are good for scarves, some of their boots, a lot of their flannels and flowing tops- and are pretty reasonable.

Old Navy is a reserve. Rarely do they have things I think are awesome. Keep in mind though, each fall season, they usually get in a good collection of stylish outerwear- which can sometimes be pricey. However, three years ago I bought an amazing plaid peacoat style jacket for around 80 bucks, and it still is rocking it today.

Woman Within is sort of an embarrassing one. BUT, they sometimes have wide-calf boots, which if pulled with the right ensemble will look more vintage-chic than desperate measure.

If you have any more suggestions, please let me know.

The Enigmatic Creature.

And by that, I of course mean, a Fat Vegan.

Who knew this could exist? A FAT VEGAN?
I sure didn't.

At least until I became vegan.
But actually it makes sense, because if anyone can taint such a strict eating lifestyle with fatness, I can.

By vegan I mean this, not only do I not eat dairy, eggs, meat, seafood, or gelatin, but I live my life without animal by-products: leather, silk, fur, animal tested toiletries, etc.
It was a decision I made when I was 18, after 4 years of being a vegetarian. I will never pressure you into eating like this, or living like this.
And it is a sacrifice of sorts- eating out for example, can prove difficult.

But, I do it for the animals. And please do not try to convince me to do otherwise. I have given more than 10 public lectures on the matter, and have done enough research to make my eyes bleed. I do eat the right amounts of protein, and I have become an expert at fitting B12 into my day.

However, I am, STILL FAT.

What could it be? The carbs? The portion? The fat?

And there it is.
Do you see it? Hiding there in the middle? Starts with a P, ends with an N? Rhymes with SHPORTION?

Yeah, because you see, I can eat copious amounts of food, in a very small amount of time.
And I mean troll-ish amounts. Sit me down with some whole grain carbs, a heaping of tofu, a small mountain of nutritional yeast, three carrots and two avocados, and I can make some culinary magic that is sure to make thee gain.

Hmmmm, so maybe I am not so enigmatic after all.

Maybe my vision is just skewed by these top heavy eyeballs that are about 16 times bigger than my stomach. Oops.

And so begins my intimate relations with the measuring cups.

Whole Wheat Cinnamon Roll- Not Quite THE Arch Nemesis, But a Variation Of.

That's pretty much it.

My demise.

The whole wheat cinnamon roll, with raisins and walnuts. That at the moment is three feet from my over-anticipatory nose.

But really, they're like the love child of Sweet Goodness and Willpower Killer.

A tastefully seductive mix of high calorie whole grains and brown sugar. Only sort of healthy for you, as it is made with multi-grain flours-but don't be fooled! This scrumptious combination opens a whole flood gate of cravings- including but not limited to: Whole Grain waffles, whole grain bagels, whole grain vegan carrot spice muffins (I think I literally just drooled on the B key) and other caloric-ly inappropriate foods.

Yummmm. (And at the same time, Uggghhhhh (in case you were curious, sounds like Yuuuuggghmm).

tip of today: take advantage of your dog!* That's right, use 'em. Take them for walks, strolls, trips to the beach or even down the street. It will increase your enjoyment of your walk ten fold. And if you don't have a dog yourself, chances are, someone you know does- so ask if you can borrow them (the dog, not owner)- and both owner and dog alike will be thankful for it!
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*You could use a cat, if you swing that way. Though, I have found it is not as effective**.
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**And it is not because I have anything against cats, it's just in my experience, they seem rather resistant to the harness.

Cardboard Lunches and Skinny Kids.

I grew up on a great diet.

And I mean GREAT. My mom was a health-nut... Go figure.

Which I am absolutely grateful for, don't get me wrong. I mean, I admire her enlightened nature about nutrition before it was hip, or fashionable.
But as a kid, not many things could be worse.

Let me explain.
I can recall being in elementary school and DREADING the lunch that was packed by my wonderful mother. Dreading, because it usually involved whole pinto beans in a whole wheat tortilla (and let me tell you, in the early nineties, the whole grain tortillas were not what they are today- pliable and much like a real tortilla. NO, they used to be trampled grains in a sort-of circle, that if bent at all would crack-spilling its innards in a certain 7 year old's lap).
Yes these "burritos" were better than many options, better than no lunch at all, and certainly better than egg-salad sandwiches with non fat mayonnaise and onions (talk about a low blow to the nose).

But scent offensive food aside, I dreaded these snacks because as I begrudgingly masticated the entire wheat field in my mouth, the petite, darling kids beside me opened their ziplocs to a PB&J on white bread with the crusts cut off.

But I trusted, with all confidence in the lack of taste in my food, and the pure goodness of my mother, that there would, someday be some serious payoff. (For like most children, I measured all effort by amount of pay-off).

And let me tell you what. Those children, with their knobby knees and plastic wrapped cheetoh snacks, are skinny.
Thin and slim and skinny. And still eating their bread with crusts cut off.

And I am here, seriously overweight, craving anything with flavor, and feeling sort of deprived.
Well, not deprived.
Overstatement.

But at least not fully satisfied.
It's a feeling I better damn well get used to!

Chapter 1. Letting it All Hang Out.

Dear ______,

My name is Tess.
I'm in my early twenties, I love animals, and am exceptionally creative.
I have a great eye for aesthetics, I dress semi-fashionably, and when applying myself, I am an excellent photographer.
I create art daily. I listen, even when I don't want to. I remember all of my friends and family's birthdays. I am vegan. I have very small hands and a Mexican and German heritage. I have great parents, and a magnetic sibling.
I sing well, and usually smell pretty good. I have long, dark hair with split ends, and bangs that suffer from home-trimmings.

I cook a bomb french toast that I don't eat- as I don't eat eggs.
I read as much as I can, but usually books that don't make me sound smart nor cultured.

I over-write about myself, as I believe (like most writers do) that others are inherently interested.

And oh, I am absolutely, positively, the most wrong, early twenties female in California.

This is why:

I am very overweight- an issue of mine since childbirth (at 10 pounds, I was a hunker of a newborn.)

I have braces (in my twenties. not teens. twenties.)

I am horribly socially inept (despite having an 18 year history in the theater arts).

And it isn't until now- 2009, that I have made a conscious, intentional and active attempt to change it.

Whatever it takes, the metamorphosis has begun.

and one more thing.
As a student of the world- but more specifically, a student of a certain high tuition photography school in So Cal- I will be creating a two year long photo collection of this Sisyphus-like battle I am embarking on.

But those images are to come.

For now, a history.

I was born in the late 1980's, to an artist and his muse.

My sister, born a few years before, neither envied me nor grew jealous of my attention.
She nurtured me, encouraged me, and translated for me.
She later taught me how to color inside the lines,
draw a star,
flirt,
smoke a joint,
and gain confidence in myself- in that order.

Our family fought the shadows that crept over modern-American households, but the darkness would always subside after love proved its potency and stamina.

But, I was always fat and slightly awkward.

I pined over Hanson whilst being fat.

Started highschool whilst chubby.

Lost a bit of weight in highschool while fat.

Gained back the weight and then some, while fat.

Went to college, while fat.

Gained the freshman 15 and then some, while fat.

And continued on with the next three years, yep, while fat.

Sense a pattern? I've always been big. Yes, it's in my genes. Yes, I am pre-disposed. No, I do not secretly hoard donuts, or McDonalds.

However, none of these justify this weight.

And while I have lived most of my life very happy (can you imagine? Fat AND happy?!) I have now decided to give in and get serious. (Well, as serious as I can be, which is not very.)


I invite You, Participant of this intangible experience we call the Internet, to laugh with me! Cry with me! And watch my subsequent highs and lows.
Come revel in my courage and perseverance to ensue!
And laugh at my inalienable need to express myself through public revelation.